It’s about time I finish up my story of infant loss, with the birth and death of my baby girl. To tell you the truth, it’s not really a story that ever ends. Once a mother loses a child, that loss will always stay with her. The pain lessens over time, but that baby is and always will be mine – and so will the memories. If you haven’t already, I want to invite you to start at the beginning of my story, with my post: Finding Out There Is Something Wrong With My Baby. From the first post, you can be led to the following posts, without having to hunt for them. If you continue reading this post, I want to warn you that there are some heart wrenching photos.
If you have experienced the loss of a loved one, and especially a child; know that you are not alone. I hope that by talking and expressing what I have gone through, I can bring some sort of strength to others who may be in a very alone and dark place right now. Times do get easier, and healing can take place.
Now for the birth and death of my baby girl. My last post talked about going in for my emergency c-section, but I ran out of time and room to talk about the outcome. I went into the OR with my parents by my side, while my husband raced down to the hospital, which was 45 minutes away. He didn’t make it in time for the birth of our baby girl, but it worked out okay. Had it been the only time we got to see our baby, he surely would have been devastated, but this is not the end of the story.
I mentioned that the anesthesia made me quite shaky. I waited on pins and needles, with my arms strapped down to the table, as helpless as a mother can be. I went into the OR with my little girl’s heart beating, but erratic, and her life was now in the hands of the Lord and the doctors. With the blue sheet drawn up at my belly, I felt like I was in the dark. I was numb to the physical pain of the cutting, and it seemed like eternity from the time the surgery began, to the time they delivered my baby. We weren’t given many updates along the way either. I wondered and wondered if my baby would cry as soon as she hit the air. The time came where I got to find out. I recall asking in a very panicked voice, whether or not my baby was breathing. Soon after, the doctor lifted my little girl up in the air for me to see her, as they do with all babies before cleaning them up. I got to see my precious little darling for the first time – all blue faced, eyes closed, and not a peep out of her. They let me get a good look at her, and then they rushed her out into the hall where a slew of nurses and doctors waited for her. In that brief moment that I got to see my baby girl, I studied her as carefully as I possibly could. I looked her over to see if she had the deformities that the doctors thought she would have. Well – she did. I didn’t care one bit – I just wanted her to live. My parents left me to go keep an eye on my new, and first baby girl. I felt so empty and alone in that moment, with the knowledge that my baby was not breathing, and may not ever breathe.
Doctors stitched me up, and I just waited and waited for any updates that would come my way. A sweet nurse came to me and informed me that the doctors were working very hard on my baby, and that she was in good hands. My mom came in a couple of times to update me, but I don’t recall a lot of the accounts. My mom has said to me over and over again that as she stood in that hallway, watching doctors working so hard and forcefully with my little girl, that she remembers a nurse standing behind her, comforting her. She didn’t recognize the nurse as one from the OR, or anywhere else. Sometimes she wonders if she was an angel, sent to comfort my parents in those moments. While I was in the OR still very afraid for my child’s life, my mom and dad were in the hallway, watching and waiting for some hope, with prayers in their hearts that they would not have to come into the OR and tell me that my baby was dead.
The hospital where I delivered had a huge NICU with fantastic doctors. The NICU doctor was quite frustrated while working on my baby girl because the oxygen hose that he wanted to intubate her with was too large. My mom says he got mad and demanded a smaller one, and fast. We could tell that that doctor wanted nothing more than to get my baby breathing, which was a huge comfort to me. Well guess what, the doctor got my little one intubated, and she started to get some color back into her face, and little body. My mom rushed into the OR to let me know of the good news. With as many problems as my little one was facing, she was not dead – and that is all I cared about in this moment.
I was wheeled into recovery, where the room was dark and quiet. I was often left alone because my parents, nurses and doctors were all with my baby. I struggled with the ability to breathe and was very nervous that I might choke to death. I think it was a combination of the anesthesia and angst, and trauma that I had just experienced. I tried to call out for a nurse, but the sound would not come. When my mom came back into the room, I let her know that I was afraid of not being able to breathe, so she made sure that someone stayed in the room with me for a while, until I felt a little better. I still wanted constant updates though.
When I started to get feeling back into my legs, they wheeled me into the NICU to see my baby. My husband arrived, and we got to go and see her. We decided to name our little one Gianna Rae Lyon. The name Gianna means “God is gracious”. Throughout all of the difficulties in my pregnancy with Gianna, I knew that I personally would not be able to handle delivering my baby in pieces. That was one of the fears of my pregnancy. God was gracious and granted me the gift of a living birth. Gianna weighed in at only 2 lbs 7 oz, and she really was not a fighter. She was an angelic little creature. From the bed I was wheeled in on, I peered over and got a glimpse of my precious little girl. She had tubes all over her, but she peeked one little eye open, and almost looked as if she was looking right at me. I reached out and tried to touch her hand. I wasn’t allowed much time there, and was wheeled into my room.
I couldn’t wait until the nurses and doctors would let me get up and either walk or take a wheel chair into the NICU to see Gianna. I didn’t care about recovering from c-section or any possible associated pain. I just wanted to see my baby – whatever it took. Gianna was born on a Thursday afternoon, and by that night, I was already down to see her via wheel chair. I went again in the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep. I remember on my first visit, my mom being with me, and I just wanted to at least touch Gianna. My mom had tears in her eyes and started stroking Gianna. We weren’t allowed to hold her because she was so fragile. She was hooked up to machines, and those machines just kept beeping. My mom tried stroking Gianna’s little legs, arms and head. The machines started to beep even more, and I just remember feeling so anxious. I was so afraid that my baby was dying. The nurses ran over and informed us that a lot of physical touch was too hard on Gianna’s system. The touch over stimulated her, so we needed to have slow, firm contact. They said that it would be best if we kind of cradled her with our hands. Place one hand firmly on her head and the other firmly on her feet – kind of curling her up, as if she was in the womb. This, and resting a finger on Gianna’s tiny clenched hands was the only way we could touch her. I was going to take it though!
Now that I got a good look at my little girl, I noticed that her legs and feet were misshapen. Gianna did indeed have rocker bottom feet, where the feet are almost reversed and turned out. Her feet arches were as if backwards. They were so absolutely tiny and precious though. Gianna’s ears were a tad low on her head. Her hands were in fact clenched – one, more than the other. Gianna did have a dropped kidney, and still the problems with her heart and brain. We still didn’t know the extent of all of her problems, but for now – the doctors just wanted to concentrate on getting her lungs stronger. Even though she had steroids to help her with her lungs, her 30 week old body was still too weak. I think this was mostly attributed to all of her difficulties, with her frail little body.
Back in my room, all I could do was pray and try my hardest to pump milk and colostrum, so my little girl would have it when she was ready. Since this was all I could do to help her, I was going to try my hardest. I think I sat in my bed with pump in hand, just crying because nothing would come. Any tid bit of colostrum I could get, I made the nurses save. They were very supportive, but also wanted to make sure I got the rest I needed. I wasn’t so concerned with rest, and really couldn’t sleep well. I remember turning down pain meds because I didn’t want it to get in the milk, and I didn’t want to be knocked out. I was worried that any meds would depress my baby’s system even more. I wanted to be awake so I could rush to the NICU if the time called for it.
I really don’t think I slept much at all for about 2 days. On day 2, I was very fortunate to have the bishop from our church drive down to the hospital so that we could give our precious little girl a name and a blessing. This was so important to me, and it can’t be done unless the baby is alive. I had, and still have, the belief that Gianna would be mine forever, regardless of the outcome, but being able to have her blessed and have her name on the records of the church, meant a lot to me. All along the way, I felt God’s tender mercies, helping to buoy me up.
In the middle of the night, on the second night, I walked myself down to the NICU. For the first time, I felt like I was given a little bit of alone time with my baby girl. I stood over her and held her hand. I was starting to get familiar with the numbers on the machines, and what they meant. I knew that the higher the numbers were, the worse things were. As I held Gianna’s hand and talked to her, her numbers all started to lower. The nurses at that time, came over and said to one another that Gianna must have known her mommy was there. I got my moment with her, and it meant everything to me – and still does. I wanted to know that my little one would at least know her momma, for however short the time may have been.
In the morning, my brother gave me a call to let me know what the doctors weren’t telling me. You see, my brother is a doctor. He called my mom to have her talk to me, but he was afraid my mom wouldn’t have the strength to do it. So he called me up, and let me know that Gianna’s numbers were way too high and that she would have a difficult time bringing them down. He and Gianna’s doctor told me that she wasn’t much of a fighter. After hearing what my brother had to say, I knew what I had to do. Had I not had my moment of peace and tenderness with my baby the night before, I don’t know if I would have been prepared to end her life. No parent should have to decide to end their child’s life, but sometimes it is a choice we have to make.
I felt like I was able to connect with my little girl, which truly was one of God’s tender mercies, and I felt that by prolonging Gianna’s life, would have been wrong. They were having to pump her full of pain medicine and all sorts of drugs, to keep her comfortable. I didn’t want Gianna to be in pain, and I just knew that God had a plan for her, and that she was going to be one amazing angel – doing the Lord’s work, on the other side.
My husband and I walked together to the NICU, with my parents not far behind. I told the nurses that it was time. It was time to unplug the machines and hold our baby. They took the pads and monitors off of Gianna first, and let us hold her while they took out the oxygen tube. All puffy eyed from the fluid they pumped her with, Gianna seemed as peaceful as could be. We were broken hearted that our time with Gianna was so short, but felt so very blessed to have had her. After the oxygen tube was removed, we were led to a special room where we could spend a little time, as a family, with our baby girl. She had a little tape residue from where the tubes were held into her mouth, but she was perfect to me. Her heart was still beating for now, and nurses kept coming in every so often to check for Gianna’s last heart beat.
Let me just tell you that that room was filled with so much love. I was devastated, but felt full of hope with the knowledge that I would get to see Gianna again. It is my belief that the babies we have, are ours forever. I truly believe we will be reunited with our loved ones, and that it will be a glorious day. I knew that this particular day would not be Gianna’s last. It may have been her last day in this physically handicapped body, but her spirit would continue. She is one perfect angel, and this body would have just held her back from all that she was meant for. I knew this – and it brought me great peace. The nurses informed us that they had a grief counselor that we could talk to, but we refused it. I overheard the nurses and counselor talking to one another, and being impressed that our family seemed to have things under control. People have to grieve in their own way, but I fully believe that my beliefs helped us get through this very difficult and life changing moment, with as much dignity and peace as possible.
While we had Gianna, we were able to get a few family pictures. I wish I looked a little better, but after all I had been through, and recovering from c-section, it’s okay. Having these cherished moments with my baby was all that I could hope for. When the nurse came in for the last time, to check Gianna’s heart beat, I just knew that it had already stopped. I could tell the moment her heart stopped, because I felt her spirit leave the room. I truly feel like she was with us for that hour, giving and feeling of all of the love of our family.
Gianna was born on May 29th, 2008 and passed away in my arms on May 31st, 2008.
As a little side note, I want to add that Gianna’s cardiologist told me that if he hadn’t known any better, he would say that Gianna looked like a Trisomy 18 baby. If you recall, the amniocentesis said otherwise. Sometimes I wonder if that test came back with the wrong results, just so I would get to deliver my baby, and to see and hold her for a time. My doctors would not have done an emergency c-section had they known she was a Trisomy baby. Tender mercies.
You can read my next post, which is about recovering after the death of my baby.
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enza ketcham says
((hugs))
Sarah P says
I just read this, and held in tears the whole way through. However, when I read the end, I lost it. My first daughter was born on May 29, 2008. Much love to you.
Debi says
Thank you for sharing you beautiful, but very difficult, story. I am glad to read that you were able to see the blessings in this situation. That is rare, indeed. I’m sure your sharing – although very difficult – has been a blessing to others.
Crystal M. says
Emily,
I just want to thank you for sharing your story. I am touched by your faith in God and commitment to your family. I will keep you in my prayers. I know that you will never be fully healed but I will pray that God continues to work positively in your life.
Nichole Bentley says
Your story is so touching. I am terribly sorry for your loss (for lack of a better phrase), but so happy that you have found peace and that you were able to spend time with Gianna before she passed. I am sure you will think about your beautiful girl every day until you are finally reunited, but how sweet it will be! Thank you for sharing your story.
Kati says
I read your entire story. As a fellow believer I wanted to let you know that I think you are a very strong woman to have went through all of this and written about it. I will be thinking and praying for you and the healing that you have to continue on in. Until that glorious day that God reunites us with our dear loved ones….
Jenina Marie says
Thank you for sharing yourself. Life is so full of negative, awful things sometimes, people complaining about so many selfish things without recognizing how absolutely precious and beautiful every breath we are allowed to take is. I feel privileged to have read this.
Judy Bradley says
Through the sadness and pain, it is so good to know our families can be together again. You have a beautiful family. I hope your future is bright and full of joy! I have lost 2 children to this mortal life and look forward to seeing them again.
Teresa says
How heartbreaking. But I believe that your test results were so that you would get to see your precious baby girl. God Bless yourfamily.
Sarah, A Thrifty Mom says
Emily thank you for sharing your story… It makes us remember to hold our babies a little longer and thank the lord for every day!
Magaen says
I am so glad to have read your story. My husband and I lost our Ariel on March 12,2006. I was 25 weeks along. There was placental abruption. I was thankful to have gotten to hold her after giving birth to her dead body, but knew her beautiful spirit was still with me. I was able to sing a few lullaby’s, and the sorts of things mothers do. I felt as though I had closure. Every day is a struggle, but it does get better 🙂 I appreciate you sharing your story. God bless!
Jennifer Cutter-Hobbs says
Thank you for having the courage and the heart to share that story. She was absolutely beautiful.
samantha says
I know it took alto of strength and courage for you to post your story. But it will help alto of people. Thank you it is such a touching story.
Shawcute says
Hello, I just read all your entries about your pregnancy and baby Gianna. First I want to thank you for sharing your story. This is not easy to say and write but you did it great. Just like you I’m a wife and a mother and the experience you went through is very difficult to handle. But then, you did very well. And I’m sure Baby Gianna must be very happy and very proud to have you for a mom. There is nothing I can really say how I truly feel for you but I can wish you and your family a glorious life ahead. For I’m sure Baby Gianna is watching over all of you. God Bless and thank you…
Danielle Huto says
Im sorry for your loss and thank you for having the strength and courage to tell your story. She is one of the most beautiful little girls i have ever seen. I have two children myself, and this story just broke my heart. May the Lord be with you and your family. I will always keep Gianna in my prayers.
L. Shaunese says
This was so hard for me to read because I know that it must have been such a hard decision to let your lil girl go But as a parent, you know what’s best for your child. Thank you for sharing such a heart felt story. I had tears in my eyes the whole time I was reading this. May you and your family continue to heal, but remember her spirit is always with you.
Nicole says
;”) This was so beautiful to read. Thank you Gianna is a beautiful angel. It was very healing for me to relive Leonidas through your story. Thank you
kim says
Emily,Thank you for shareing your story about your beautiful angel Gianna .
Ingard says
Thanks for sharing your story, it has touched my heart today.
Valerie Strawmier says
God is so amazing with His mercy and His love. Every moment you had with your baby girl will be returned ten fold one of these days. She is above and watching you with love and knows how much you hold her in your heart. <3
shayna says
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing this inspiring story.
Sarah Eckert says
Thank you for sharing your story and for being so candid. It must have been hard to put it all in words, on paper but I pray that God’s healing hand continues to hold you & comfort you!
Lori Stilger says
I cannot imagine everything you’ve been through, but I know your family is amazing. I pray you’ll continue to heal, and I really hope to meet Gianna when I am called Home. Thank you for blessing my heart with your story.
Gina H. says
I sit here crying having read your whole story. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate the hope your story gives of seeing our loved ones again in heaven. God bless you & your family.
terisa says
Crying my eyes out. What would we do without a loving God. I didn’t get to hold my precious ones, but God is holding them in heaven.
Terra Heck says
Wow, what a story! I appreciate that you told your story, with all its rawness and realness. You seem to have amazing faith and you’re right, your daughter is an angel.
I had a friend who recently lost her 16 yoa son in a vehicle accident. It’s so heartbreaking to see the pain she’s going through. I could never imagine what it would be like and can’t say I know what you’re going through, but my heart definitely goes out to those who have lost a child.
Lauren says
You are an amazingly strong woman. I saw that you posted this and had to read each post tonight and all I can say is GOD IS GOOD! I believe you are right when you say HE is the reason Trisomy 18 did not show up. You and your family will remain in my prayers and I might not know exactly what you are going through but if you ver need anything PLEASE feel free to let me know. Gianna is a precious angel that will remain in my heart and thoughts. Sending much love and prayers your way.
Emily Lyon says
Magaen, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I am so very sorry for the loss of your Ariel, and I am happy to hear you got to see her and to hold her. I hope that was able to bring you some peace.
Rajkumar says
1. God is so amazing with His mercy and His love. Every moment you had with your baby girl will be returned ten fold one of these days. She is above and watching you with love and knows how much you hold her in your heart.
2. These cases are with many in the world too…
3. One such incident is with us too, I lost my first child ( pre-mature death of my first baby boy ) I was present, to see. But my wife was not allowed to view the baby, sure this is still in her memory still….As faith continued. The next time doctor advised abortion, and then once again doctor advised for abortion.
4. We are happily married couple, completed 36years of marriage.
5. She do misses being the mother, I do console her about it, even I do miss being the father. When ‘GOD’ is unwilling, so is the best reasons he know. Let us look after ourselves, we’r in good health,wealth and happiness and together always…Count that always………
6. Emily thank you for sharing your story
kristin says
Emily, you are amazing. Your baby girl is an angel, she looks so peaceful. You are truly inspiring.
Ev E says
Thank you for sharing your story. It is heartbreaking and encouraging. God helps us continue on and look forward to the day we get to see them again and what they are doing for God in heaven (no more tears or pain, and are fully perfect). I dont know what our relationship and roles are among each other once we get to Heaven, but I believe we do get to see each other and fellowship sometimes, when our service to the Lord allows for it. Since there is no day or night, no “time” in eternity, I dont really know how that will work, but it is something to look forward to.
It is wonderful you got to meet your daughter and spend time with her before she died. It really truely is, and what a blessing!
In early 1995 I lost twins close to or shortly after 3 months. I was devistated, I wanted children all my life (I came from a very small family),and we were trying for quite a while before I got pregnant. We were happy to share the news with family during Christmas together. In January, I was at work (in the military) and wasnt feeling right, had some spotting, was allowed to go to the doctors office, and was then sent home to try and rest and see if it’s my period or something else. Shortly after that I left for our off base housing, when I got there I was alone and all by myself. I didnt know anyone in the community there. My husband, also in the military, was away on deployment, on the other side of the world. I spent a lot of time in prayer and tried not to get anxious, I had no idea about miscarriages (no one ever told me). Blood started to flow and i had to use pads in an attempt or thought that it was my period ( i had heard that could happen), but when it started to become more then that, I called 911 and and sat alone on the curb outside our apartment wiating for them. They arrived, and took me to base hosptial. I was trying not to pass out. The ambulance guys saw all the blood and tried to do all they could to keep me awake and monitor my pulse and check on the babies. I remember getting to the hospital, being wheeled in, and wasnt sure i was able to give my parents and my husbands basic info before i passed out. I woke up in a hosptial room a couple hours later and was childless. I had no idea what a DnC was, and later heard that those seeking abortions do that. I was horrified, i wanted my babies to live, and kept thinking, what if one was fine, and the other wasnt, and they just ripped my other baby to pieces. It was hard, hard to think about…. Even to this day. I would never allow that to happen if i had my way, but I didn’t really recall anything else from the hospital visit. I dont recall them telling me anything about whether it was possible for one to live, or what, they just came in and said they preformed a DnC (and i had no idea what that meant for a long time), i assumed it was a proceedure to remove the dead babies and clear my uterous of leftover blood or pieces. I never got to see them, nothing.
My mother was called, as was my husband. I spent a few days with a friend, to have supervision and comfort, and my mother showed up (which surprised me, cause she lived on the other side of the USA). She stayed a few days with me, and helped me name the babies. Great names too! My husband was flown home. The doctors had given him more information through the Red Cross about my miscarriage and hospital stay then I had been given – strange i know! He tried to do something to help, and turned out to back fire. 1st, men… please dont ever buy your wife a couple of puppies right after a miscarriage… babies are not dogs, and they cant replace them. 2. one of the puppies died 2 days after i got it. So that was hard too. I felt like everything around me was dying. I would celebrate the babies birthdays every year. They would be graduating High School this year if they were still with me. Years later, after the miscarriage, I found a site that is dedicated to helping women grieve over their babies and also remember them. I got a bracelet to wear on the anniversary of their death to celebrate their life being joyfully lived in the presence of Christ Jesus. I’d like to send one to you, in memory of Gianna. Please send me your contact info via email if you’d like the bracelet.
http://www.rememberingourbabies.net/store/WsDefault.asp?One=1141
I pray God will use your story to help other’s, and also that He will comfort you and help you walk onward with Him and Heaven’s treasures in your heart.
Libby's Library says
I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you have endured, but hopefully your story will touch others, and lift up the heavy hearts of those who have gone through the same thing. How blessed we are to have the priesthood in our lives.
From one Louisiana blogger to another…God be with you till you meet again.
Angie B says
I don’t have much to say other than my heart breaks for your family and my heart smiles for Gianna. As a mother of three angels unseen or hold I commend your families strength and you will all be together again. Sincere thoughts and prayers. ♥
Patty Lockhart-Castillo says
Emily
Words could not convey to you and your family how sorry i am for your heart break but i do know though that the lord has blessed you and your family.I am happy for you that even that short time of Gianna being here on earth gave you a memory and feeling that will always be a beautiful time in life that nothing else could compare too.Thank you for sharing i know it had to be hard for you and i do believe Gianna is an angel sent to you from God.God Bless
Tabitha says
God Bless you and your family! I can’t imagine going through this. You are a very strong woman and your children are very blessed to have you! I am praying for you and your family!
Laurel Lee says
I just wanted to share a little something with you. I too understand having lost a baby that was still born & also lost my 5 year old in a freak accident. It has been 20 years since I lost my 5 year old. I still have days that I am so lonely for them but that feeling gets further and further apart. You having faith in God will carry you thru. So I decided not to have anymore children. My marriage crumbled after the still birth, so when I lost my 5 year old I was a single parent. It was so lonely because I felt that I had lost everyone. The good Lord sent a man into my life that I have been with for 20 years now. God my Lord & Savior has brought me through these many years. God bless you and your family, keep your faith and God will bring you through.
Laurel Lee.
Mari says
I cried as I read this!
Emily Lyon says
I am so sorry for your losses Laurel Lee! I am so glad that you have a companion to share your life with!
Emily Lyon says
That sounds like such a scary thing you went through all by yourself! I’m so glad you had friends there to take care of you, and that your mom made the trip out to be with you. Having family nearby in those difficult times can be very comforting! You are so sweet to offer me a bracelet. I will email you my information!
Emily
Emily Lyon says
Thank you for sharing your experience with me Rajkumar! I’m so very sorry that you haven’t been able to have children with you throughout your life, but I am so happy that you have your companion by your side. I wish you much happiness!!
Connie says
Hugs my sweet friend.
Tonya Payne says
Bless you and your family.
holly saunders says
May God Bless you and your family.Thank you for sharing your story.I had tears streaming down my eyes reading it.My mother lost a baby boy at 3 days old due to undeveloped lungs.She never got to hold her baby but I remember the pain that she felt.Thank you Again for sharing your story
Katie C says
Im so sorry,I read the whole story and just sobbed. I cant imagine losing a baby.
You and your family are in my prayers to find peace and comfort. We will see our loved ones again and you will see her again.
Shannon says
Bless you and your strength to write your story for the world. You will see your baby again. May God give you His peace.
Heather Hazen says
Much love. You looked beautiful in the pictures btw. <3 Thank you for sharing this.
Melissa Hall says
WOW! What a touching story. I cannot even imagine the pain and despair your family has endured and your strength is amazing. I pray that you will continue to heal. Thanks for sharing your story. I know it had to be difficult. You are 100% correct that you will be reunited again with no pain and no sadness. God Bless!
Avery Guenther says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It had to be hard on you. I can not imagine the pain.
Maegan Morin says
She’s waiting for you now. Your right you will meet again some day.
Karen R says
I can’t imagine the pain but reading your story was very emotional for me. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa says
Thank you for sharing your story. I an so sorry for your loss. The story of your beautiful girl is so very similar to the story of my son, born sleeping on February 18, 2005 at 26 weeks. I too had an ultrasound that showed fluid around my baby. He had fetal hydrops, along with Down Syndrome. I had 2 amnios (the first one didn’t work right!) and a doctor who also had no bedside manner. We were told that our baby had no chance to live. After finding out that he wasn’t in pain, we decided to let him determine how long he would be with us. He was born still 6 weeks later. And I was able to labor and deliver him. My prayers are with you, as I know not a day goes by that I don’t think of and miss my son. The pain doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it. Bless you and your family.
Christina says
Thank you so much for sharing the story of your beautiful daughter! My first was stillborn at 34 weeks. Hugs and prayers for your family.
Raeanne says
I am so proud of you for sharing your amazing story with us. I had a severly tramatic experience with the birth of my daughter but by the grace of god she is still with us. Prayers and blessings to you and your family.
Courtney says
I’m a follower from Twitter and have read this story from the beginning. I just wanted you to know she is one beautiful angel.
Emily Lyon says
Thank you so much Courtney!
Jackie says
I’ve read your story from the beginning. I’m glad you shared your beautiful girl with us – and I know that her story, and yours, will make a difference for others. She is a beautiful baby, and while it’s utterly heartbreaking that she couldn’t stay with you, I truly believe your are right that this isn’t the end. I think you were blessed to have had the chance to know her, for her to meet her brothers and the pictures you posted are beautiful memories to be cherished. Yes, tears for you, as I can’t imagine how hard it was. But your strength shines through in your writing and I hope this does what writing should – that it heals your heart so that you can embrace the memory of her without the pain – to hold the joy of that precious perfect baby close to you without the sadness, instead surrounded by the happiness of having had her as a real and true part of your life. I think you were right – she was meant to be born, held and loved.
Meredith says
She isn’t just perfect to you b/c your her mama…she is perfect. What a beautiful little girl!
Emily Lyon says
Aw, thanks Meredith!
Terry says
God Bless you and your first baby girl! I have a great niece fighting for her life as we speak @ Vanderbilt Children’s hospital. She has huge mountains to climb, but with God’s love and infinite wisdom, she and her family is not alone and neither are you or your first baby girl, Gianna. Thank you for your story. It helps me understand the road my Nephew and Niece-in-law are traveling at this very minute.
Emily Lyon says
Thank you Terry! I hope your great niece and her parents have all the strength they need at this challenging time. I hope that she pulls through for them and that they have comfort and peace throughout!
Tammilee Tillison says
Thank you for sharing your story! I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I finish reading this.
Emily Lyon says
Aw, thanks Tammilee!
Amy Brown says
Bless you for being so strong and sharing your story. I’m sure you’ll get to see her again someday. =) Best wishes to you and yours.
Cecile says
Your story took me back 20 years to the birth of my first child, a girl also. She had hydrops and we could never find out why. She was born and died the same day. December 7th still brings tears to my eyes. I often wonder what type of young woman she would be today. Now, I have three beautiful, healthy children but there is still a little spot missing!
Michele says
Emily-
Thank you for sharing your story. I too, lost my 3rd son Jake, on August 21, 2012 after 3 very difficult months of struggles. He also had bilateral clenched hands and the doctors wondered whether he was Trisomy 18, but much later on in my pregnancy. We still have no diagnosis either. The karyotyping, fish test, microarray and DNA sequencing were all negative for anything! I suppose he could have had pseudo Trisomy 18 , but they never really confirmed that either. I wish for much peace to you.
Emily Lyon says
I am so sorry for your loss Michele! Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is an interesting thing when there are no firm answers to why our babies are the way they are. Just part of God’s plan I suppose. I wish you much peace as well!
Cheryl says
I am so sorry for your loss! It is really brave of you to share your story in hopes of helping another mother going through a similar situation. My sweet little boy turns 2 in a couple of days and I am so thankful for him every day. I had a difficult pregnancy (high blood pressure) which ended in an emergency c-section. The worst moment of my life was hearing the doctor say “I don’t know if your baby will survive but I’ll do my best” as I was rushed in for a c-section. Thankfully my little boy was born without any complications but remembering the day of his birth still brings up a lot of emotions for me. I know how difficult these series of posts must have been for you to write. I hope sharing your story with others is helping you work through some of your feelings. It sounds like you have a wonderful family support system!
Emily Lyon says
Thank you Cheryl! I really do have a great family support system! Sure does help!
Andrea Kratville says
Good Lord in heaven…. I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve just cried so much from your story and I can’t tell you that I know how you feel. But I do have two children of my own and I have experienced c-sections (one of them an emergency)… so I can definitely imagine the feeling of loss. I don’t know why life has to be such a test. We have to put so much faith in God and believe that everything will be okay. We have to believe that God has a different plan for your sweet baby girl. I am so sorry for your loss… I really am. My heart breaks for you and your family. I hope that you find happiness again very soon. Embrace those beautiful kids of yours and thank the Lord every day for each day that you have with them. God bless you all. Love to you.
Bethany says
I found your blog through pinterest, and read the whole story of your sweet baby girl. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing her story with us all~
Emily Lyon says
Thank you for your kind words Bethany!
Emily Lyon says
Thank you for your thoughtfulness Andrea! Having babies definitely stirs our emotions! I have found happiness in the living children I have, and in my angel above!
Sara says
I just finished reading your whole story. I found your blog by accident while searching on Pinterest and I am glad that I clicked on the link…. Losing a child is the hardest thing anyone can go through. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and the grieving does take a long time. It has been over 3 years and I am still not ready to try for another child. Your story was very touching and knowing that our babies are our angels helps to make the grieving easier.
Emily Lyon says
Thank you Sara! I’m glad you clicked over too! May peace be with you always!
Taryn Pasco says
Emily, you are so very blessed and strong. I love to read other moms stories who have lost a baby because I like to know that I am not alone. When I was 7 months pregnant with my first daughter I was in a car accident on Christmas Day 2006. I was rushed for an emergency c-section after about 2 hours of monitoring because my Arianah’s heartbeat was getting low. She did not make it and was stillborn. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I completely lost it when I read the part about the nurse comforting your mom because while I was on my stretcher at the scene of the accident I had a lady put her hand on my shoulder and tell me that everything would be ok and she gave me a little crystal looking angel to hold on to. I asked my mom if she seen anybody talking to me and she said no. And nobody said they remembered anybody that got to come close to me… I truly believe to this day that it was my Guardian Angel. Later after the c-section I learned that my placenta abrupt and thats what went wrong. Arianah was bruised badly and I know that she would of been in pain had she been saved, so I know being with God was the best for her. I did get to see and hold my baby girl and I am grateful for those moments. Thank you for sharing your story about your precious Gianna. You are very right, it will be a glorious day when we are reunited with our Angels. Xo
Rita Light says
I understand what you have been through because I lost my first daughter in 2001. My placenta became detached at 3 months and I had been on bedrest for several weeks. There was no heartbeat found during a routine ultrasound. I was told I was 20 weeks pregnant and sent home to go into labor on my own. They said it was “just going to be a miscarriage”! I was devastated. When my little girl, Janie Lynn, was born that night, they told me I was about 6 months along instead of 20 weeks. I got to hold my baby for a little bit before the funeral director took her away. I never got to take photos. All we have are her footprints. Thank you for sharing your story. You are truly blessed for being able to have extra memories to treasure.
D SCHMIDT says
Beautifully written, I am sorry for your loss but thank you so much for sharing your story with your readers.
melissa leyh says
thank you for sharing your story, I to lost a daughter, but she never took a breath on this earth. It was 3/7/08 I was 36 wks pregnant and in labor went to the hospital and they sent me home, b/c of stupid reasons(didnt follow drs orders), but thats okay. Then on 3/9/08, I woke up and my water broke, but then the unthinkable happened I started losing tons of blood and at that time I knew my daughter had left the physical earth and went to heaven. And I had a peace that surrounded me, I yelled for my husband, and my dad and told them I had just lost her, and I needed to go to the hospital. When I got there, they hooked me up to the machines, and in fact there was no heartbeat, I lost it, I was devastated b/c 2 days earlier she was perfectly fine, I cried, I pleaded with God to bring my daughter back, but that didn’t happen. I was wheeled into an emergency c-section b/c I was bleeding so bad, and my bp was 50/30, they were losing me, but I had a peace that the nurses and drs couldn’t explain. I Had a complete placental abruption, the worse one that the drs had ever seen they had to scoop my placenta out. I had to be put to sleep b/c I can’t have epidurals, but when I woke up my husband was holding the most amazing, lil angel, she weighed 7lbs 10 oz, 19 inches long, had the prettiest red/orange hair, she was perfect in every way. the nurses gave her a bath and loved on her, just like a baby that is alive:( WE had family pictures taken with her, and even though I was crying I was happy b/c I knew she was not in this world and she didn’t have to worry about any of the pain. Her sisters, at the time they were 6, and 2 and her brother at the time was 4 got to come to the room to meet her, along with my parents, siblings, and many friends. I carried her for 37 wks 1 day, and I wanted people to meet the angel that I gave birth to. 🙂 I kept her in the room with me I wanted to spend time with her to dress her, to love on her, and to cuddle with her, and then i transported my baby to the funeral home, I held her, and cried, but I knew that she was happy and smiling down on me. Isang to her, and just told her how much she was loved and she will always be loved and one day through the grace of God we will meet again and thats why I have the ability to spend time with her, to love on her, and to share my story. Sorry this is so long, but you inspired me to share my story with you.
Emily Lyon says
I’m so sorry for what you had to experience Rita, but glad you got to hold her!
Emily Lyon says
Thank you for also sharing your story Melissa! I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to do so. Your experience sounds so frightening and I’m sorry you had to go through that! So glad you got to spend a little time with your babe!
Mary A says
I too lost a baby..a baby boy..when he was almost six weeks old. He lives in Heaven and in my heart. I look forward to seeing him again some day. I am now 70 years old so won’t be too much longer.
Isabella says
I am so terribly sorry for what u must have gone through and still going through. Your baby angel is now with God watching over her amazing mom that she knows loves her dearly.
Emily Lyon says
Thank you Isabella!
Patty says
God does have a plan! Those 3 gorgeous boys ( you are right their hair color is stunning – my Daughter is red haired too)….. they now have their Special Angel looking over them everyday!!!!
Emily Lyon says
Aw, thank you Patty!
Julie says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too lost my baby girl Jade on 22/03/2016 two days after her birth. Am not yet strong to share her story but someday i will, i guess it’s too soon. May our angels rest in eternal peace!
Julie Murphy says
I realise your heart-breaking story was shared many years ago, so I hope I don’t mind me commenting now, but I wanted you to know that today you helped me, as I struggle with my grief, pain and heartache for my unborn grandson (18 weeks), and seeking to know what to say and how to help my son and daughter-in-law cope. My heart breaks for them as their story is similar to yours. Such a sad and difficult time for all the family.
I had four active gorgeous boys myself, love them so very much, and a baby loss at 14 weeks late in my life, although my sons do not know, so understand the heartache and know the pain never goes away. In my heart forever. Big hug to you and all our angelic angels in the stars. xoxo
Emily Buys says
I don’t mind you commenting at all, Julie. I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandson. That’s a difficult thing to watch your son and daughter-in-law go through. Just be there for them and continue to offer love and support.