Family Infant Loss Lifestyle

Finding Out There Is Something Wrong With My Baby

Written by Emily Buys

Well, it is time I share my story of loss. Four years ago tomorrow, I decided to take my first baby girl off of life support. I can’t believe it has been 4 years! While all of my other children are growing and changing, sometimes I still feel like I am back to those months immediately following my little girl’s death.

The loss of a child is something that no parent should have to go through, but the more I talk to other parents, the more parents I realize have actually experienced this loss. My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced this loss. The feeling of loneliness that a parent feels, when going through a trial like this, is so strong. I don’t think anyone can really take the pain or loneliness away, but there is comfort in knowing that others have survived these type of trials. I hope my story can bring some kind of strength to others who have, or who are experiencing any type of struggle with their children.

Until quite recently, I thought I had done a lot of my grieving and that I have become pretty whole again. I am finding that I am more wrong than I realized. I talked with a couple of blogging friends recently, about trials that we have been through. Some of them have written about their trials, and it made me question why I haven’t written the story of my sweet baby girl, Gianna. I thought I was pretty well healed, so why hadn’t I written it? A friend said to me, that if I haven’t written about it, then maybe I just wasn’t ready yet. I think she was right. As I sit here and write, my heart swells with aching. The pain and grief that I have experienced is much more near the surface than I realized. I suppose this grief isn’t something I have had to talk much about, which is why I thought it was farther from me.

I’d like to start at the beginning.

I was pregnant with my 4th baby. My oldest son had just turned 5, and my twin boys were 3. After three very active, red headed boys, I was praying and hoping for a girl. Taking the three boys to the grocery store was always a challenge, and never a quick feat. Because of the red hair, people would stop us (and still do) all the time, while running errands, to comment on the beautiful hair. You would think that nobody has seen a redhead before! Because my boys are so active, people would look at my pregnant belly, and say, “I sure hope you have a girl coming your way!” I couldn’t agree more.

Because of my history with twins, and I never know how far a long I am, I got an early ultrasound. I had an ultrasound around 11 weeks pregnant, just to confirm how far along I was. So far, so good. This was the first pregnancy where I wasn’t constantly sick and throwing up. My boys all made me so sick. While pregnant with my oldest, I lost 16 pounds before I started gaining. I didn’t feel 100%, but I wasn’t sick to my stomach, and I could maintain a pretty normal life.

At around 17-18 weeks, I had my next ultrasound, to tell us the sex of the baby. I was so excited and nervous, all at the same time. I took my whole family with me to the appointment, including my mom. My mom stayed out with the kids for most of it, but brought them in to get a peek too. This ultrasound was longer than normal, and I was a little nervous. The ultrasound tech took measurements and did their thing. When it came time to tell the sex of the baby, the technician couldn’t ever get a good look. The baby wasn’t overly active, so they had me go for a walk and come back. Baby’s legs were covering things up. So I went for my walk and pled with my baby to please wiggle enough so we could get a could peek! She listened! I went back into the ultrasound, and the technician was fairly certain that it was a girl! I was so absolutely thrilled! The ultrasound went on for a while longer, and the technician brought in someone else, to look at the ultrasound. They didn’t tell me anything right away though. It just seemed a tad unusual. Right after my ultrasound appointment, was my doctor’s appointment. My doctor was pretty casual about it, but he let me know that it appeared there was some fluid in the amniotic sac. That was all I was told. He didn’t have all of the details and final report, but he referred me to a specialist just to get it checked out.

I didn’t know what this meant, so my mom and I went home and began to google what this could mean. Of course there is already fluid in the amniotic sac, so did they mean there was some other kind of fluid? Was it blood? Was it urine? What was this mysterious fluid? The questions that ran through my mind were frustrating, because I couldn’t find an answer. I had another appointment, with the perinatologist, which was a whole new term to me, about a week away. With Google, we found a couple of things that this fluid could mean, but I can’t remember the names of them now. All I knew was that there seemed to be something wrong with my first baby girl, and I didn’t know how serious. I had to wait a WHOLE WEEK to find out. I’m sure all of you mommas know how long a week can feel, when dealing with pregnancy and children. Hopefully tonight, or tomorrow, I can tell you about that Perinatologist appointment. It was either the worst day of my life, or pretty close to it.

 

You can read about my First Visit to the Perinatologist, which is the next part of my story.

About the author

Emily Buys

21 Comments

  • The saying about not knowing how strong you are until you have no choice certainly comes to mind when I read this story, Em. You are such an amazing mom and I am nothing short of proud to call you friend–the Lord has truly been with your family throughout the good times and bad. Thank you for sharing this so other parents can relate and see there really is hope down the line.

  • YOu will never really get over it. The pain eases but its always in your mind. My daughter lost a little one at 24 weeks and I know how hard that was on her. He didn’t have kidneys so he could not live outside of the womb. It was the worst drs appt I had ever been to in my life and hope that I never have to go through that again. God bless you and know that you are not alone.

  • I’ve read what you’ve written so far, and I’m already feeling your anquish… I know when I made slideshows of my nephew and sister and wrote their story for a memorial webpage that it helped me a little. I’ll never be over their loss, but maybe I shouldn’t be. I try to take it and turn it into a positive force, whatever it’s worth. I hope this works out the same for you. Bearhugs!!!!!

  • I too have had to go through painful doctor appointments to find there was something wrong with my baby. I had to wait an excrutiating amount of time also. I am blessed to have my little girl here on Earth with me but we struggle with her syndrome daily. God Bless you for being strong enough to tell your story. I look forward to reading the rest of your story when you are ready to tell it.

  • You are so brave to share your story. I know it can’t be easy. I know your baby girl is smiling and encouraging you all the way! She is very much remembered!

  • Emily, you are such an incredible person. Gianna is a lucky girl to have you as her mother! She must be so proud of you. I am. I miss you and I’m thinking of you!

  • Thank you Michael! That’s so great that you had to strength to write your sister’s story. I don’t think losses are meant to be gotten over, but to be made strong from.

  • Emily, I am so sorry to hear about this. It is definitely not something that a parent should have to go through. I applaud you for sharing your story. That must not have been easy to do. Sending you hugs.

  • Thanks for the hugs Eleni! No parent should have to lose a child, but unfortunately, many do. It’s so very sad, but nobody should have to feel alone!

  • They are wrong about a lot of things due to incorrect ultrasound or even amniocentesis.
    I was told my baby had something wrong too and he had nothing. I don’t think it will be as bad as they told you. Hang in there.

  • hi emily im 21 almost 22 year old and me and my husband just lost our first baby on july 24th 2012 he was 7 weeks old born june 1st 2012 he had a en large heart doctors didnt say anything was wrong he had a virus which spread and made his heart en large and he died at 345pm new mexico time in his crib he didnt cry like something was bothering him didnt have a sick cry he was just a normal baby boy look on facebook or something under joseph herny farmer jr that our baby my husband was a proud daddy and always wanted a kid this was his first baby and he a great father and still is we lost our first baby due to a en large heart and hopefully will have more in the near future he loved baseball he love the outdoors he hated quite so everything had to be loud he was the prefect baby boy. if you would like to email me at texasam999 @ aim . com we can talk thanks for sharing your story

  • Thank you for sharing your story, I know that it was hard. I had to miscarriages (both at 6wks, still hard to deal with) and had 2 beautiful redheaded girls ( I know what you mean about never seeing a redhead and I’m one too). I’m 17wks Pregnant with my 3rd child and there seems to be a antibody issue and I have to see a specialist next week. Once again thank you

  • Dearest Emily,
    Your story of your beautiful baby girl warmed my heart and brought back memories of our little boy that we lost to a malignant brain tumor 39 years ago. When you lose a child (no matter what age), it makes you realize that you can get through pretty much anything that comes your way. “Michael” was our only child at the time and was almost three years old. My husband and I went on to have two beautiful daughters, who are now 38 and 36. You have a very positive outlook and seem to be doing well. You’re right in that it’s a heartache that is always with you, even though the passing of time helps heal the pain Sharing your story also helps me in understanding what a friend’s daughter is going through currently as her baby has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. She is due in November. See, you never know when you touch someone’s life by sharing your own story. May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

  • What a beautiful note, Patti! It’s so helpful to know we’re not alone in this thing we call life, and that others have been through hard things and have made it out okay. I hope your friend’s daughter is able to find peace during this trying time she’s about to face.

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