Infant Loss

Held Up In Bed, Full Of Tears And Grief

This is the next part of my story of grief and infant loss. My last post talked about my visit to the Perinatologist, where I had an amniocentesis done. If you want to start at the beginning of my story about the loss of my baby girl Gianna, you can read, Finding Out There Is Something Wrong With My Baby.

Held Up In Bed Full of Tears and Grief

After my visit with the cold-hearted Perinatologist, who told me to cut my losses, I went home and curled up in my bed, and just cried, pondered, cried and pondered some more. If my baby truly was a Trisomy 13 or 18, then that meant the doctors would not intervene and do an emergency c-section, if the baby was struggling. If I didn’t go into labor on my own, then they would just let me baby die in utero. This was something that I knew I could not handle. Having a baby with disabilities was difficult to hear, but something I felt I could handle. A dead baby was not something I felt I was able to cope with.

I began to wonder how the baby would come out if I didn’t go into labor, and if she died in the womb. No sooner than I thought about this, my brother called me. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, but this particular brother is a Doctor in Iowa. To tell you the truth, I may have called him to get answers, but I don’t remember. All I remember is what he told me. He told me that they would likely do some type of D&C and take my baby out in pieces. If she died in the womb, she likely would not be delivered in one piece. This thought absolutely horrified me. The state of mind that I was already in after my doctor’s appointment was not a place where I could handle this news. I understand my brother was just being clinical and giving me answers, but it was very difficult to hear. Being pregnant with a baby whom I already loved dearly, and finding out she will likely be disabled was one thing, but finding out she might possibly die in utero, and have to be pulled out of me in pieces was more than a mother should have to handle. Too much information and scare for one day, don’t you think? So that day I just stayed held up in bed, full of tears and grief.

I didn’t go into a deep depression or anything, but I most certainly had my days where I just needed to cry it out. I continued on with my life, because really – what else could I do? I had 3 other children who needed my attention and mothering. After all, we didn’t know anything for sure yet. We had no diagnosis, no plan of action, so we just waited and hoped for the best possible outcome. My next appointment would give us the results of the amniocentesis.

You can read Amniocentesis Results Are In, next.

About the author

Emily Buys

18 Comments

  • Oh bless your heart! This breaks my heart! Doctors can be so extremely cold – I wish they still were taught how to have a decent bedside manner! I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers!

  • My heart goes out to you and your family. I can empathize with your heartache from hearing and having to make a choice on such a difficult dilemma. I commend you on your strength and on your resolve to move forward. Take all the time you need to deal with any feelings you may have with this situation. I am sure your family will understand. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure alot of other women can relate. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Oh goodness….you must be terrified and so frustrated. I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with. I will pray for you. If you’re one who prays, consider praying to Padre Pio (if that’s your thing)’…he has amazing healing gifts. I wish you the best.

  • Thank you Kristin. It was indeed a very terrifying thing to deal with, but luckily we have had time to heal. Prayer was constant during that time of my life.

  • I want to start off by saying, I know first hand what loosing a child is like. My son Jacob was stillborn at 38 weeks. It’s a complete nightmare. It’s been almost 11 years (7/21/01) since my baby passed away and yes, as time goes by it get’s easier to cope with but even eleven years later I still have my days. I too find it very difficult to hear of other parents loosing a baby. Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss… A loss is a loss regardless of fetal age. I will never forget the day I thought I was going into labor and arrived at the hospital to hear the words “your baby has no heartbeat”. That was “The Day My Earth Shattered”. Those words linger in my mind still today. I am so very sorry to hear about your baby girl and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I anxious to hear the next part of your story and I commend you for finding the inner strength to share this with us. I’m sure it’s very difficult to write. Rest in Peace sweet baby Gianna.

  • Emily, I’m reading your posts now with tears in my eyes. What a difficult heartbreaking thing to go through. I know 4 years and even onger will never be enough time to fully heal but I pray that you have peace. hugs and love to you.

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