It has been quite some time since my last post about baby Gianna. Some people have said they feel like my story is incomplete, so I thought it was time I added to my story with the decision of getting pregnant after infant loss. If you would like to start at the beginning of my story of Infant Loss, you can begin with Finding Out There Is Something Wrong With My Baby.
If you have been following my story, then you may recall that my daughter was alive and on life support for two days before we decided to take her off of everything. As difficult as that decision was for our family, we knew it was best for our little angel. There were many tears, but there was also a peace that she was in a better place. Gianna was born May 29, 2008. Because she was born via emergency c-section, I had a good 6 week-long recovery period – physically. The emotional recovery period was a tad longer, and sometimes rears it’s head, even still.
It didn’t take long after Gianna’s death before the hubs and I had talks of if and when we should get pregnant again. We by no means wanted to replace Gianna, because she was still ours, and forever would be. We had heard from some people that sometimes a speedy pregnancy after the death of a baby, was somewhat healing. We had to decide if this would be right for us.
After about three months of grieving, crying, and trying to find my place in life, as a mother of 3 little boys and 1 deceased little girl, I thought I was healing quite well. The first 6 weeks were definitely the hardest for two reasons: It was still so close to Gianna’s death AND having to recover from a c-section, and be in physical pain, was a reminder of my delivery, and the baby that I didn’t have to hold in my arms. Without you thinking that my recovery was a walk in the park, I do want to say that I believe this time following Gianna’s death forever altered me, in some ways. I became more of an anxious person than I ever was before, and more uptight with my children. I spent hours each day in my lazy boy; in too much pain to get up and play with my kids – physically and emotionally. When my boys would fight, I was in too much “pain” to get up and deal with the situation, so I became a bit of a yeller. I would sit in my chair and yell at the kids to knock it off, or to be more of a help to me. My boys were only 4, 2 and 2. I put so much pressure on them – more pressure than that age of kids should have. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t help me more. Didn’t they understand how much pain I was in? These were my thoughts on a semi-regular basis for a good two months following Gianna’s death. To be honest, this thought will come up on occasion still, but perhaps that’s just parenting.
At about two months out from Gianna’s birth, and death, I started to find my happy place again. There were still some days that I would go into my closet to have a private cry, but I wouldn’t give myself long. I allowed myself a brief moment, would compose myself, and go back out to being mom, friend, wife, and daughter. Since it was Summertime, we tried to stay busy with family reunions, day trips and things like that.
Grocery store trips were probably the most challenging things for me. The reason is because I had three red-headed little boys (still do), 4 and under, and they drew a lot of attention. I can’t tell you how often people would say to me, “You’ve got your hands full. I sure hope you get a little girl.” This was so difficult for me because I DID have a little girl. She just wasn’t with us anymore. Every so often, I would get a little sass and tell someone like the cashier at Walmart that I DID have a little girl. And yes, there may have been a mean tone. I only did it twice I think. It just got tiring and difficult to keep hearing some of the same things over and over again. I feel slightly bad about it, but what can I do now? It was a lesson to me to be careful about the things I say to other people. We don’t know everyone’s situation, or their story.
Three months after Gianna’s birth, hubby and I decided that we were handling things pretty well, considering. So, we decided it was time to try that baby thing again. I was terrified that we couldn’t have a healthy baby again, because Gianna never had a diagnosis, but we had to try. I often prayed for a girl, because I knew that if the Lord gave me a boy, then the grocery store trips that I was having, would never end. It would be endless pain for me – so I thought. We felt good about our plan to try another pregnancy, so we did. I believe we were pregnant the first month we tried. Yes, I am one fertile momma.
Before we found out that I was in fact pregnant, we took the family to Disneyland. It was a nice getaway, and a fantastic time with our boys after everything we had been through. It was also a nice vacation before another pregnancy, which could be very terrifying.
A September pregnancy meant another May baby. I was nervous that this baby’s birthday, and Gianna’s birthday, would be so close to one another. I worried whether I could handle that, but time would tell.
As good as I felt about my decision to get pregnant, it was not without it’s difficulties. This post has been long enough, so I will talk about my next pregnancy in another post. Everyone who has experienced the death of a baby, needs to decide for themselves whether or not it is right to get pregnant again. It is a very personal decision that nobody can judge.
You can read my next post: Giving Birth After Infant Loss.
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Harleena Singh says
Wonderful post Emily!
Though I’ve not lost any baby but I can feel your loss and all that you must have undergone, because I did loose my Mom a few years back and a loss is always a loss that can never really be replaced – nor easily forgotten.
I can read between the lines here, and it surely isn’t easy – yet you managed it off so well. And yes, when you must have been undergoing the grief and needed an outlet, it does happen that we tend to take it out on our own loved ones, where kids come first.
Thanks for sharing and looking forward to hearing the rest of your story. 🙂
Erica H says
Although I never lost a baby, my cousin, who is like a sister to me, lost one her twins to SIDS at 2 months old. I can’t imagine what either of you went through although I thank you for sharing your story. I have read it all and admire your bravery for sharing.
Karen R says
I have been following your story. How exciting to be pregnant again but also scary. I may have been guilty of making thoughtless comments such as the ones you heard in the grocery store. I’ll be more aware now. I know this story has a happy ending!
Emily Lyon says
No worries Karen – we ALL do it! Thank you for your kind words!
Cherry says
The abortion I did when I was 18years old made me loss my womb,I am 38 now,3years after my marriage I cudnt concieve a child,dis left me in a complete confusion,after various medical test the doctor said I won’t be able to have a baby but after visiting so many places seeking for solution,I finally got to a real helper,a great spiritualist,and two weeks after this spiritualist worked a spiritual command on me,I got my womb back and to the glory of my family i am pregnant,a big thanks to Dr Ubaka,..you can share you problems with him at “”””””””[email protected]”””””
jenny says
I have been trying to conceive for about 4 years with no luck. I tried everything like pinpoint my ovulation and timing, etc, still to no avail. I found this man that help me from lolopspell (at) outlook.com, and start taking the herbs he gave me. I’m pregnant now!
Melissa says
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. My husband and I just buried our infant daughter a month ago. I also delivered via c-section. We obviously aren’t ready to try again yet but it’s comforting to read someone else’s story.
Emily Buys says
I am so sorry for your loss and heartache, Melissa! I hope it brings some kind of peace to know you are not alone. This is something that will alter you forever, but not always for bad. You have a gift, and an angel who is forever yours!
Cota damm says
We lost our first child, my little Eleonore, shortly after birth at 41 w, just 5 weeks ago. It is so sad, yet comforting, knowing that we are not alone in this journey. Its nice to read your story and dream that someday we too will find the strength to try to concieve again.
Thanks for sharing
Emily Buys says
Thank you for being willing to share your experience, Cota! I am so sorry for your loss. Times will get easier. <3
Kelly white says
I really enjoyed reading your story. My daughter, Alexis was born in July 2016 and sadly grew her angel wings at 10 days old. She was born with only 1cm of bowel. We made the decision to take her home to spend the little time we had with her with our other children….3 boys. It’s been just over 6 months now since she left us. We’ve been trying for a baby for 3 months with no joy. So sorry for your loss.
Emily Buys says
I am so sorry for your loss Kelly! You are being so strong and your next pregnancy will happen when your body is ready. I wish you the best of luck and peace.
Utkarshini says
Dear Emily your story has given me such strength. I gave birth to a beautiful son on 24th March after a complicated pregnancy at 26w4d…he was a brave soul ..but it was too much too soon for him and we had him only for 10days. I grieve every moment. I have a 3 yr old daughter. She keeps us sane. But yes I desperately want to try again..like you I have also had two emergency c sections…was it safe for you to attempt the 3rd so soon afterwards…because that’s exactly what I would want to do…
Emily Buys says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Utkarshini! I recommend consulting your doctor on whether or not you are ready, physically, for another pregnancy. For me, it was okay, but only your doctor can say for sure when it comes to your body. Just prep yourself for the emotions that come along with another pregnancy.
Marcia says
Thank you, Emily, for sharing your story. Our 3rd grandson died on Nov. 14 at 4 months old. Our lives are forever changed. Just yesterday our daughter told us she is pregnant. She calls our new grandchild her healing baby. I am not even sure what to do with my thoughts, and yet a new baby coming is always reason to rejoice. The little one is due in November. I’m excited and scared, so your expressed emotions resonate with me. I know our daughter feels the same way. I am grateful for discovering your story and wish you blessings as you raise your precious family.
Emily Buys says
Thank you for your kind words, Marcia! Your daughter is lucky she has you for love and support through this exciting, yet trying time! I’m sorry for your loss – it’s never an easy thing to go through, and it’s also hard to see your own child struggle with such a hard thing.
Kanji says
Your story is so touching… i had my son via emergency c-section on 13th february 2018 and he died on the 18th… no day goes by without thinking about him…the worst is that doctors couldnt even explain y he died..but its so encouragin to know that u concieved quickly..
Emily Buys says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kanji! It will get easier and the pain will lessen over time, but you’ll never forget!